I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
