Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
