Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
