my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
