You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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