I wish my penis had an off switch
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
