you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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