I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
