Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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