my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They have beer where we have blood.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
