Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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