I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize