does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
