I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
