My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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