I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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