Whod you bang
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
