If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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