So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
