It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
