I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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