you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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