yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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