Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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