My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
