Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
