Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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