After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
