Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
