I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
