I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Randomize
