Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
