Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize