She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
