I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
