I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
high people should be assigned attendants
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
