You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Randomize
