i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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