I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
