She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
