did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
