I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize