I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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