Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We had to coat check the pizza.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
