According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So. Much. Porn.
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