So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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