turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
