i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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