I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We just shotgunned beers for America
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I need to calm my uterus...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
And then he peed in my hair
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