Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
