I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
