keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
