dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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