oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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