Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
