I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry about my life...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
