got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dear god my vagina.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
