we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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