omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize