Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
