Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I accidentally burped into my bong.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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