it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my being single is dangerous.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize