wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
